What to Do if Youre Married to a Jerk

What to Do if Youre Married to a Jerk Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Are You Married to a Jerk? Do you love yet dislike your spouse at the same time? By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Updated on February 05, 2020 Tetra Images / Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse It happens to a lot of people. You fall in love, and the romantic phase can blind you to your partners imperfections. Unfortunately, later you may realize that your spouse is really a jerk. You think your mate will change. Or that you can help bring out the best in them. You hope that in time, the difficult aspects of your spouses personality will go away. But in the vast majority of cases, it simply does not happen. The result is that you may find yourself married to a person you dont like. Comments from others, such as You should have known better, or Didnt you see it while dating wont help. Maybe you did miss some red flags or ignore some warnings, but that doesnt change the current situation. Types of Difficult Spouses Know-it-allNegative thinkerCriticWishy-washy typeSilent clamBullySickeningly sweet typeProcrastinatorSelf-centered and selfish personDemanding mateJokerEmbarrassing spouseBehavior or personality traits that you dont like or dont agree with are not the same as abusive behavior. If you are facing abuse, ask for help from a doctor, therapist, shelter or hotline. Coping Strategies Personality compatibility is an important characteristic of happy relationships. The irritating habits and activities of a spouse can drive you up the wall just like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet. If ignored, it only gets worse. As soon as you start to realize you are in this predicament, take action right away.?? Dont let the resentment build until you explode.   There is hope for this situation. However, it does take honest and caring communication. Remember that you also have behaviors and traits that annoy your partner. Recognize that you cant change your spouse. You can only change your reactions and responses. The upside: If you change your behavior, your spouse may want to change theirs. Or you may see a different reaction than you are used to (with luck, a better one).  Try to focus on the positive. Looking only at the negative behaviors in your spouse can be self-fulfilling. If you find yourself in this trap, spend one evening, one meal, or one hour looking for the positive in your mate. Then do it again. The next time, see if you can focus on the positive for twice as long.??Reinforce positive behavior. When your spouse does something you like, say so! Say it in a sincere, positive fashion. Speak to your spouse the way you would want to be spoken to, not with sarcasm or veiled criticism.??Maintain eye contact when stating your opinions and feelings. If you are going to make a statement or request, prepare it ahead of time and look your spouse in the eye while speaking. This demonstrates your h onesty and openness.Be straightforward and clear in your communications. Avoid hints, veiled comments and passive-aggressive statements. Dont make your spouse guess what you need. Ask for it directly.??Make time to be alone together. Walking together is one way to  prompt a pleasant, natural conversation. Walking, especially in a natural setting, can also help both of you relieve stress.Dont place blame. It only creates defensiveness. Use I statements. Instead of, You should, begin your statement with, I need, I want, I feel. Focus on the behavior you would like to see changed and how it makes you feel. You are allowed to complain to your spouse.  Just do so effectively to minimize the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an argument (or shutting down completely).  Be honest with yourself.  If you make a mistake, admit it. You can even ask your partner what changes you should make as well.Its okay to set boundaries. If your spouses jerky behavior becomes abusive in any way , firmly state that this is unacceptable. Have a plan for what you will do if it doesnt stop.??   Marriage is hard. People tend to bring their best self to dating and then relax, sometimes into rude or mean behaviors, once married. But with effort, you can turn in a more positive directionâ€"together.?? The Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs